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Posts Tagged ‘mental-health’

Hello? Helloooo???? Anyone still here?  I know I’ve been a horrible awful terrible bad blogger.  Everyday life just kind of got in the way of my blogging time.  Days turned into weeks and then a month and here we are.  Isn’t it scary how quickly time passes?  I find that as I get older it moves faster and faster.  Sometimes I want to yell SLOW DOWN!

During my absence a whole lot has been happening in this crazy mind of mine.  Ever since the hurricane, and truthfully even before then, I was living in an extremely depressed state.  There were days I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed and make it through the work day.  Many evenings consisted of me snuggled up next to Rob with tears silently rolling down my cheeks.

I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was wrong, since I really have nothing to complain about.  I have great people in my life who love me, a nice home (that we are finally settling back into), a good job, and good health, yet something was keeping me from being happy.

In my last posts before my blogging hiatus I mentioned giving up control and reaching out for help with my eating issues, dreaming BIG & making things happen.  What’s stood in the way of making my dreams come true (and always has) are Me, Myself & I.  I always try to accomplish a multitude of goals without really taking care of the main issue at hand. In my case, the issue has always been my disordered eating.

I’m so proud of myself for reaching out for help.  For years I’ve been very stubborn, thinking that I could take care of the issue on my own.  I knew that I needed to eat more in order to get out of the vicious cycle that was controlling me, but I couldn’t seem to push past the mental fear of eating more.  I couldn’t follow the same advice that I was giving others, which I truly believed in.  So, I reached out to my nutritionist, Jen, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Truly!

Jen said that I am a “nutritionist’s dream”. I eat all of the right things….just not enough.  A few weeks after our initial meeting I was presented with a 7 day meal plan that I will follow continuously until I start making exchanges on my own, down the road.  She wants me to stick with the plan exactly, for now, to be sure that I’m getting everything that I need in.  On a given day, my plan is anywhere from 300-500 more calories that I had been taking in.  Let me tell you that makes a HUGE difference! I can actually make a recipe and eat it now.  AMAZING!  I no longer count calories or macros, which I had become obsessed with, and just follow my plan as it is laid out for me.  My mind is so much clearer now.  It isn’t filled constantly with numbers and/or calculating those numbers.  I no longer worry about how to skimp during the day, allowing myself enough to eat in the evening, in case I am hungry.

Prior to this, I began to think that I might have to go onto an antidepressant because my depression was so overwhelming and taking over my life.  After a few days on my new plan it was as if someone waved a magic wand over me and POOF the depression was gone.

Seriously.  Just.Like.That….GONE! 

No need for medicine when you are eating enough of the right things.  I still can’t believe how quickly everything changed once I was eating enough.

Rob has commented multiple times that I’m like a completely different person and he wants this one to stick around. There have been many times that I’ve been worried that he would want to leave me because I was never happy and, honestly, who wants to be with someone who is never happy?  I wouldn’t blame him!  There have been times that I’d like to be able to get away from myself, but I’m stuck with myself for life. 😉  Haha.  Instead of trying to escape from reality I decided to work on myself and it has made such a difference in my life.  It’s only been one week and I feel renewed!

There are a few new things happening over here that I’m extremely excited to share with you.  It will all come out in time, my friends.  For now, I’m happy to report that the depression is gone and I’m ready to LIVE!

Kim

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Hey Guys!

Mixed emotions have made for a very confused Kim lately.  Poor Rob never knows when tears might be sprung upon him and Saturday morning just happened to be one of those days.  I tend to think a lot without expressing my feelings.  Then, one day, when I can’t take the thoughts anymore I let it all out like an erupting volcano.

Volcano

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This time the tears were feelings about not having a purpose in life.

purpose

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I feel like I’m on the road to finding what I’m meant to do, yet I’m just not there yet. The hurricane totally interrupted certain plans that I had for myself. I feel like I can’t truly focus on my goals because life is topsy-turvy right now. I HATE doing anything half-assed. I guess I can be an all or nothing type of person.

When the tears started to flow I mentioned giving up the blog.  I have all of these grand ideas of what this blog can be, but I haven’t had the time to dedicate to it and make it that visualization yet.  I don’t know what I was originally thinking.  I barely have time to read my favorite blogs, never mind writing my own and making it something special. 

It’s that perfectionist tendency that continues to get in my way.  Rob pointed out that this isn’t my job, nor is my wanting to have a body like a fitness model.  These are just things that I strive to do in my life and maybe my goals aren’t realistic.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things a certain way, but don’t give myself credit for what I actually do well.  I always seem to focus on what could be better.  I know I’m not the only one that does this to themselves.  We really have to learn to treat ourselves the way we’d treat others and give ourselves some slack.

Our living situation doesn’t allow me to do my beloved baking or get creative with meals and that contributes to me not being able to make this blog what I envision it to one day be.  That doesn’t mean I have to stop and wait until that day when we finally get to move back home.  I’m going to do what I can for the time being and keep those grand ideas for the near future. 🙂

As for feelings of not having a purpose in life, that’s going to take some work.  Aside from Rob, family and a few friends my life is feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I think that’s part of the reason I keep going back to wanting to compete in a fitness show.  It gives me a goal to work toward, even though it might not be the healthiest thing for someone with disordered eating to strive for.  Rob and my family have spoken up that they don’t agree with this goal for myself.  I swing back and forth between what to do.  I see and understand their point of view.  They just want me to be healthy and happy.  That’s what I want for myself, as well.

I think that instead of striving for body perfection, I need to stay focused on what will fulfill me as a person. 

find purpose

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I don’t have many friends out here in Long Island, but haven’t really put myself out there to meet new people. If Rob goes out with friends or is away on a business trip I’m just left alone.  Being alone can be nice at times.  In fact, I sometimes welcome it; however, sometimes you want to hang out with a friend, do girly things, go to a movie, or try a restaurant or activity that Rob would never try.  If my mom and siblings were closer I’d totally have a crew of people to choose from. There are A LOT of us!!  I’m painfully shy, so making friends has always been difficult for me. I find it even tougher at this stage of my life, as most people already have their set of friends and life is busy with raising a family and work.

Side note: I’ve always been a bit insecure with myself.  For many years, when I was younger and in school, I was teased for my appearance.  I was basically the brown-haired version of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. ;)

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. 😉

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That’s what started the drive in me for body perfection.  I thought that if I lost the weight got contacts, took the braces off and straightened my hair everything would fall into place. We all know the reality of that though, right? In fact, after I lost the weight my sophomore year of high school girls were sometimes even meaner to me.  Some people who had been my friend when I was heavier dropped me.  I was so confused.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME.  Looking back, I know it was the insecurities that they had within themselves that caused them to be that way.  I was (and still do) look to myself for the issue when the issue isn’t always with me.  ~End of Side Note

However, if I start doing activities that I’m interested in (yoga, baking classes, ceramics/crafts, etc) I’ll at least be around other people who have similar interests and might even make a friend or two.  I just have to take that step!

There’s more to life than working out, going to work, paying bills, cleaning & putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight about what life is truly about. For years, my focus has been on getting my body to a certain point so that I could move forward in life and be happy.  I realize how backward that thinking is and how much I’ve been missing out on, as a result.  Maybe, just maybe, if I live my life to the fullest and don’t worry about what others think of me, my body will end up right where it’s meant to be without much effort.

If I truly think about it, that’s the obvious way I SHOULD be living my life!  

  • Instead of waiting to buy new clothes until I lose “X” amount of weight, I should be buying them now in order to feel better about myself.
  • Instead of sitting alone on nights when Rob is away (b/c I’m ashamed of my appearance), leaving me prone to binge eating behaviors, I should be out with friends or enjoying an activity.
  • Instead of worrying about a meal out with friends/family/Rob and ending up with a boring salad and later bingeing on random stuff in the house, I should enjoy what I want in the moment (in moderation, of course) without guilt.

When I look at it I can see the constant cycle which leads me to my bad behaviors and then more shame, taking me further away from the way life is meant to be lived.

Cycle

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Now that I’m conscious of the cycle it’s time to make some changes!

  • My hot yoga classes are purchased. I’ve been to one class so far, but hope to get into a routine so that I see the same faces weekly and maybe make some friends out of it.  It’s a win-win, right?
  • I’m looking into other classes in the area that I might enjoy (baking, cooking, crafts, photography, dance, etc) & actually signing up for them instead of just talking about it.
  • I’m looking for a therapist to help me in my journey to feeling better about myself.
  • Do nice things for myself to help with my self-esteem: new clothes, mani/pedi, consistent hair cuts, etc.
  • I’ll go to the gym for my health and well-being, NOT to look like a competitor.  I also have to be OK with that decision and move on with actually LIVING my life!
  • This blog will remain! I’ll post when and what I can for now and when we FINALLY (please let it be soon, dear lord!) move back home I can continue with my vision.

For now, the purpose of the remainder of my day is to finish all of the projects I should be working on for work, instead of getting these thoughts off my mind. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hi There!

How’s this Friday treating you so far?  Honestly, I can’t believe it’s already Friday.  The days off earlier this week, due to the Christmas holiday, threw my schedule off.  It was refreshing to have so many days off in a row, especially since I got to spend some time with friends and family.  Rob and I also took a HUGE weight off our chests by completing the itemization of the contents in our house that were lost in the storm.  When the last item had been entered and we clicked “save”, Rob and I looked at each other and slapped each other 5.  LOL.  Knowing that we had to finish that spreadsheet really was weighing on our minds ever since Sandy did her damage.  Now, we just have to wait to see what the insurance company says.  Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

***

Random Thought of the Day

 Last night, I was in one of my grumpy moods again. 

 

Man, this funk has got to go! 

 

I feel HORRIBLE because when I am down it brings Rob down, as well.  In the past, when I was single, I was able to sulk in my apartment all night and put on a smile during work hours and no one had any clue that I wasn’t as happy as I let on.  Now, it isn’t quite so easy.  I’m still able to put that smile on at work, but when I get home I try to keep it up since Rob is there.  I’m not always able to keep it up though and last night was one of those nights.  I saw the concern in his face.  He just wants me to be happy.  Maybe when we move back into our home I’ll be able to slip out of the funk, but that is about 2 months away.  I can’t torture this poor man (and myself) for that long!

 I keep reminding myself what I stated in yesterday’s post“Focus on the positive and keep busy with those things!”   This weekend I think I’m going to take one of those hot yoga classes that I mentioned.  Next week will be the time to try the boot camp class with my friend from work.  Exercise has always been a great stress reliever for me. 

I’m also trying to go to bed earlier.  I find that being up too late leads to bad eating behaviors. 

Last night, I left Rob while he watched tv and found my way into the bedroom with a book that I’ve been reading.  I was about 1 ½ pages in when my eyelids grew heavy and I fell asleep.  That was the first full night’s sleep I’ve had in forever.  Lately, I’ve been up until 2, 3 and even 4 in the morning.  My body hated me!  I think that going into the bedroom at a normal hour, even if it isn’t to go to sleep right away, is going to help a lot.

***

Now, it’s time to get this work day started.  There are only hours between me and the upcoming long weekend.  Yay!!

 Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hi Friends!

 Man, what a week it’s been!  I feel emotionally drained.  I know I totally look that way too.  Despite this drained feeling, a sense of calm fell over me today.  I was sitting at my desk, knocking out tasks left and right, and I think it gave me a sense of power and control that’s missing in so many other areas in my life.  Like I stated the other day, everything that I enjoy and have been working toward kind of fell by the wayside after the destruction of the storm.  That’s ok with me, because I know that this is a truly a disaster that I’m dealing with and not an obstacle that I’m creating for myself (which I sometimes do).

 I spoke with my coach from IIN last night and she reaffirmed my feelings, which also made me feel better.  I think that I can finally start taking some time for myself.   Getting a mani/pedi and doing some clothes shopping this weekend will be good, for starters.    My sister and I are planning on meeting up to accomplish both.  It’ll be really nice to see her and do some girly, sister things.  I’m looking forward to it!

 I also decided that I need to take myself out of the depressing situation sometimes to make myself feel better. 

For example, where we are currently staying had some water damage that is being fixed as we’re living there.  I look around and feel anxiety because there is so much disorder.  I have a difficult time living in a mess.  When the things around me are messy and disorganized I tend to feel that way mentally.  In the past, whenever I felt really disorganized in my life my first reaction would be to clean my living space.  It’s something that I have complete control over (at least in normal circumstances) and can see changes almost immediately.  Instead of sitting amongst the mess after work, I decided that I’ll make a trip to the library to study in a nicer environment.  Even a trip to Starbucks to get some reading in will do for a change of space.   Maybe I won’t feel so much anxiety and I’ll begin to look less like a crazy, frazzled woman.

 Speaking of feeling  & looking, I miss feeling  &  looking my best!  With all that has happened, my normal gym routine said “Sayonara” weeks ago.  It’s really been eating away at how I feel about myself.  Honestly, I feel disgusting and out of control, which definitely doesn’t help the rest of my situation.  We’ve been eating out SO MUCH more than I ever have in my LIFE!  It isn’t that we’re eating at fast food restaurants or anything, but you still don’t really know what restaurants are adding into your food.  I’d rather have more control over it all.  Is it sad that the highlight of my day today is knowing that we are having a refrigerator delivered so I can go grocery shopping and start cooking again?  I feel like a little kid on Christmas!! 

 I’m mentally so fragile on a constant basis lately that any little thing can set me off (like my pants feeling tighter, etc).  So, I contacted a former coach of mine and told her that I want to recommit myself to the plan that she had set up for me.  I think that this will be great for me because it adds another aspect of my life where I’ll have some structure and a routine, which I feel I’m so desperately lacking right now.  I know that the plan will not only make me feel better about myself (what I have control over, more confidence in myself, inner strength, etc) but will also help me to look better (healthier, more fit, less exhausted, less frazzled looking, etc).

 I think that all of these little things combined will make a positive difference in my attitude and eventually it will show in my appearance.  Fingers crossed!  🙂

 Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hi Guys!

Pretty typical week over here in sweetheart land.  Work, gym, Rob, life, you know the deal.  A lot has been on my mind lately about circumstances that are out of my control.  It’s an unfortunate family situation, so I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty.  I hope you understand.  While I’ve definitely been impacted over the years by this situation, there are others whose lives were truly effected in a number of ways, namely my mother.  The other day, during our daily talk on our rides to work, she expressed her feelings to me about everything going on.

Sometimes you forget that your parents are human.  You hold them up to a higher standard than others when they are the same living, breathing creatures with feelings of their own, as we all are.  My mom has always been the epitome of strength, understanding & love.  She’s been there when my world was spiraling downward and she’s been there to cheer me on in life’s journey.  At this point in her life I wish I could give her the peace of mind that she’s always been able to give to me, but I know that I can’t because what she’s hoping for all comes down to the decision of one person.

We just have to have faith.  Waiting will be torture, but once we get an answer we’ll be able to move forward and take the appropriate measures.  Sorry to be so vague, but I know she doesn’t want her ordeal to be displayed for anyone and everyone to view.

Anyway, during our conversation she started yelling her wants to me.  I don’t know if they’re realistic or not.  I’m trying to keep her grounded because I don’t know what the outcome is going to be.  I understand what she wants, but I can’t promise that will be the case when all is said and done, unfortunately.  At one point I stated to her “I don’t want an eating disorder, but I have one and I have to deal with it.”  I mean, I could scream I don’t want one as much as my lil heart desires, but that doesn’t mean that my wishes will magically be granted (believe me, I’ve tried).  We have to deal with reality and not fall victim to ourselves.

 I’ve been thinking about our conversation ever since that morning.  I thought about all of the times I’ve cried to her about my struggles with weight and disordered eating….my wanting to just be “normal”.  I’ve apologized because I know that everyone has to be tired of hearing me obsess over it.  Heck, I’m tired of it!  No matter what, she’s always made me feel at least a little better, but you know what?

I may struggle (just as she has had to deal with so many things that she doesn’t want to deal with and doesn’t deserve), but there are certain things that ARE in my control.  By choosing to look at the positive, learning what steps to take in order to improve the situation, and DEALING with my issues head on I know that I can defeat my demon (or at least seriously bruise it so it isn’t constantly nagging at me). 😉

My situation is completely different from my mother’s, but my words to her also spoke to me.  What ever the reality of a situation is I will act on the things that are in my control.  I’m not falling victim to myself anymore!  I’m taking control back!

This One Made Me Laugh

~Kim

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Do “Enough”

Hi Guys!   

 I can’t tell you how much better I’m feeling today.  My head seems a bit clearer and my mood has shifted to be much more positive.  I think that I can partly attribute it to a plan I have in place for myself.  I’ll share it all with you in a special “Thursday Thoughts” vlog tomorrow. 🙂

 ***

 As I was driving into work yesterday there was an ad on the radio that caught my attention.  It seemed like it was totally meant for me to hear at this time in my life.  I’m still not sure what they were marketing, because my mother called in the middle of their spiel and the ad was over by the time we finished our call.

 Their main message was that you shouldn’t try to do things to perfection.  Many times, striving for perfection can hold us back.  Man, I know that feeling all too well!  It can almost be paralyzing at times.  Well, if you aren’t striving for perfection what are you striving for?  Their answer?  To do “enough”.

 When you strive for perfection, you either did it perfectly or you didn’t.  If you strive to do “enough”, you’re setting yourself up more often to succeed.  Lazy people might take this as the easy way out (to do the least that they can), but for someone like myself who is a perfectionist it lifts a weight off of my shoulders. 

There are so many times that I hold off on doing something (Ex: blogging) because my product isn’t exactly as I would like it to be.  I always hold myself to such high standards that it really bothers me when things aren’t just right….”perfect”.  Other times, I’ll quit doing something (Ex: training for a fitness competition) because I’m unable to stick with the exact plan that’s laid out for me due to certain circumstances. 

 Instead of striving for a nice balance and doing what fits realistically in my life, I tend to strive for perfection that is just out of my reach.  Not being able to attain it makes me feel like a failure and begins the downward spiral of not feeling good enough all over again…..such a vicious cycleIn the end, I’m left to deal with a major melt-down and feelings of failure, when my idea of perfection isn’t met.

So, I thought that was a pretty interesting message and wanted to pass it along to you. 

Are you a perfectionist?  What do you think about doing “enough”?  Does that sound more manageable to you?

Have a great day!

~Kim

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