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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Hey Guys!

Mixed emotions have made for a very confused Kim lately.  Poor Rob never knows when tears might be sprung upon him and Saturday morning just happened to be one of those days.  I tend to think a lot without expressing my feelings.  Then, one day, when I can’t take the thoughts anymore I let it all out like an erupting volcano.

Volcano

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This time the tears were feelings about not having a purpose in life.

purpose

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I feel like I’m on the road to finding what I’m meant to do, yet I’m just not there yet. The hurricane totally interrupted certain plans that I had for myself. I feel like I can’t truly focus on my goals because life is topsy-turvy right now. I HATE doing anything half-assed. I guess I can be an all or nothing type of person.

When the tears started to flow I mentioned giving up the blog.  I have all of these grand ideas of what this blog can be, but I haven’t had the time to dedicate to it and make it that visualization yet.  I don’t know what I was originally thinking.  I barely have time to read my favorite blogs, never mind writing my own and making it something special. 

It’s that perfectionist tendency that continues to get in my way.  Rob pointed out that this isn’t my job, nor is my wanting to have a body like a fitness model.  These are just things that I strive to do in my life and maybe my goals aren’t realistic.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things a certain way, but don’t give myself credit for what I actually do well.  I always seem to focus on what could be better.  I know I’m not the only one that does this to themselves.  We really have to learn to treat ourselves the way we’d treat others and give ourselves some slack.

Our living situation doesn’t allow me to do my beloved baking or get creative with meals and that contributes to me not being able to make this blog what I envision it to one day be.  That doesn’t mean I have to stop and wait until that day when we finally get to move back home.  I’m going to do what I can for the time being and keep those grand ideas for the near future. 🙂

As for feelings of not having a purpose in life, that’s going to take some work.  Aside from Rob, family and a few friends my life is feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I think that’s part of the reason I keep going back to wanting to compete in a fitness show.  It gives me a goal to work toward, even though it might not be the healthiest thing for someone with disordered eating to strive for.  Rob and my family have spoken up that they don’t agree with this goal for myself.  I swing back and forth between what to do.  I see and understand their point of view.  They just want me to be healthy and happy.  That’s what I want for myself, as well.

I think that instead of striving for body perfection, I need to stay focused on what will fulfill me as a person. 

find purpose

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I don’t have many friends out here in Long Island, but haven’t really put myself out there to meet new people. If Rob goes out with friends or is away on a business trip I’m just left alone.  Being alone can be nice at times.  In fact, I sometimes welcome it; however, sometimes you want to hang out with a friend, do girly things, go to a movie, or try a restaurant or activity that Rob would never try.  If my mom and siblings were closer I’d totally have a crew of people to choose from. There are A LOT of us!!  I’m painfully shy, so making friends has always been difficult for me. I find it even tougher at this stage of my life, as most people already have their set of friends and life is busy with raising a family and work.

Side note: I’ve always been a bit insecure with myself.  For many years, when I was younger and in school, I was teased for my appearance.  I was basically the brown-haired version of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. ;)

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. 😉

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That’s what started the drive in me for body perfection.  I thought that if I lost the weight got contacts, took the braces off and straightened my hair everything would fall into place. We all know the reality of that though, right? In fact, after I lost the weight my sophomore year of high school girls were sometimes even meaner to me.  Some people who had been my friend when I was heavier dropped me.  I was so confused.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME.  Looking back, I know it was the insecurities that they had within themselves that caused them to be that way.  I was (and still do) look to myself for the issue when the issue isn’t always with me.  ~End of Side Note

However, if I start doing activities that I’m interested in (yoga, baking classes, ceramics/crafts, etc) I’ll at least be around other people who have similar interests and might even make a friend or two.  I just have to take that step!

There’s more to life than working out, going to work, paying bills, cleaning & putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight about what life is truly about. For years, my focus has been on getting my body to a certain point so that I could move forward in life and be happy.  I realize how backward that thinking is and how much I’ve been missing out on, as a result.  Maybe, just maybe, if I live my life to the fullest and don’t worry about what others think of me, my body will end up right where it’s meant to be without much effort.

If I truly think about it, that’s the obvious way I SHOULD be living my life!  

  • Instead of waiting to buy new clothes until I lose “X” amount of weight, I should be buying them now in order to feel better about myself.
  • Instead of sitting alone on nights when Rob is away (b/c I’m ashamed of my appearance), leaving me prone to binge eating behaviors, I should be out with friends or enjoying an activity.
  • Instead of worrying about a meal out with friends/family/Rob and ending up with a boring salad and later bingeing on random stuff in the house, I should enjoy what I want in the moment (in moderation, of course) without guilt.

When I look at it I can see the constant cycle which leads me to my bad behaviors and then more shame, taking me further away from the way life is meant to be lived.

Cycle

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Now that I’m conscious of the cycle it’s time to make some changes!

  • My hot yoga classes are purchased. I’ve been to one class so far, but hope to get into a routine so that I see the same faces weekly and maybe make some friends out of it.  It’s a win-win, right?
  • I’m looking into other classes in the area that I might enjoy (baking, cooking, crafts, photography, dance, etc) & actually signing up for them instead of just talking about it.
  • I’m looking for a therapist to help me in my journey to feeling better about myself.
  • Do nice things for myself to help with my self-esteem: new clothes, mani/pedi, consistent hair cuts, etc.
  • I’ll go to the gym for my health and well-being, NOT to look like a competitor.  I also have to be OK with that decision and move on with actually LIVING my life!
  • This blog will remain! I’ll post when and what I can for now and when we FINALLY (please let it be soon, dear lord!) move back home I can continue with my vision.

For now, the purpose of the remainder of my day is to finish all of the projects I should be working on for work, instead of getting these thoughts off my mind. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hi My Sweets!

 It feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve been able to regularly blog.  I miss it!  My family knew this summer was going to be crazy busy with all of the wedding planning (man, I wasn’t even the bride and there was a lot!), but it turned out to be more than expected, especially after my grandmother’s passing.

 I’ve been very depressed lately and just not myself.  I can’t exactly pinpoint when it all started to spiral downward for me.  I’d be lying if I said it was because of my grandmother; although, things did get worse after that. 

I had major eating issues over the past few months and gained about 10 lbs as a result.  I’m so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to eat at me (literally)!  All of the hard work I had put in for months seemed to quickly go down the drain.   I’m embarrassed about how I look and even more upset that this will forever be shown in the pictures from my sister’s wedding.

 I could just sit here and cry and wish things away.  God knows I’ve tried to hide from life as much as possible, by not wanting to see friends or even family.  Going to work is sometimes even an issue for me, for fear of people seeing me.  We all know that won’t get me anywhere though, right?  Right!

 Saturday morning I got my tush to the gym,  which always makes me feel better.  This time though, the mirrors casting my reflection back at me brought on a well of tears.  I sniffled my way through my workout and tried not to look in the mirror as much as possible.  I’ve been at this place with my image before.  I know that I will pull myself out of it.  It doesn’t make it any less difficult to deal with in the moment though.

I came home from the gym and Rob immediately knew something was wrong.  Usually, I’m skipping around, singing or doing completely silly things.  I had stopped to grab him coffee on my way back and as I handed him the cup the tears were on the verge of trickling their way down my cheeks.  We had a heart-to-heart.  Obviously, my issues impact his life.  We live together…..we love each other….and you never want the person you love to be so down as I have been.  We discussed my issues and he made some valid points.

 Side note: I HATE putting my issues on anyone.  I’ve always felt, since childhood, that everyone has their own issues and would try to hide mine as much as I possibly could.  Maybe, that’s why I’m at the point that I’m at today.  My friends and family are there to support me, I just don’t allow them to do it the way that I put myself out there to support them.  Over the years, I’ve actually lost friends for this.  I would hide instead of allowing them to console me and be there for me.   

 Back on track now:  Rob pointed out that I can’t just go through life hiding from it.  TRUE!  I can’t allow my weight/appearance to impact me as much as I’ve allowed it over the years.  TRUE!  I can’t allow the opinion of someone I used to look up to (my father) impact my adult life, especially since he really isn’t a source that I can look up to any longer. TRUE times a million!!

 A sea of tears flowed through our talk and then I somehow just felt better.  Maybe those tears needed to be released.  Maybe I just needed to come to that realization about my dad.  That’s when I cried the hardest.  I haven’t cried since.

 

Was it still a struggle to go to dinner at another couple’s house on Sunday night?  Yes.  Was it even harder to get into their swimming pool wearing my bikini?  Oh YES!  Did I do it?  You bet!  Did anyone gasp in horror because I’m not at my best?  No way! They were just happy we were there, because they are my friends for my heart and mind, not my looks.  The only person expecting perfection is ME.

Anyway, over the years I’ve always waited to do things at the ideal” time.  Usually, what’s preventing the situation for being ideal is my weight/appearance.  I’m not allowing myself to do it anymore.  I will no longer wait to buy clothes, go to events, see friends/family, etc. until I’m “X” pounds.  No More!!  

I also think that by setting my attention to things other than weight my weight will naturally fall where I’d like it to be.  When I’m truly happy doing all of the other things that I enjoy (baking/decorating, holiday crafts, being with friends/family, trying new beauty tricks, shopping for clothes, etc) I will feel more fulfilled and balanced.  Maybe then, weight won’t play such a huge part in my life and how I feel about myself on a daily basis. 

There is so much more to me than my weight!  I never want to look back on my life and wish I had done more.

 

 Life is meant to be lived.  You never know what tomorrow is going to bring, so I’m going to try to live as much as possible in the moment, from now on! 

 

Make sure you go live yours!  Have a great one, my friends!

 

~Kim

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Mall Mishap

Hey There!

Monday?  Already?!?!  😦  Weekends go way too quickly, that’s for sure!

Saturday I was EXHAUSTED!  I woke up early to hit the gym and then my body failed me.  I got home and couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I really hate feeling like I’m wasting the day on a weekend by sleeping, but my body needed it and I listened. 

Rob snuggled me up in bed and my eyelids fluttered closed as he closed the door to the bedroom.  About an hour later I resurfaced.  I was still sleepy, but didn’t want to lose any more of the day than I already had. 

It was tough for each of us to get going, but we motivated each other.  I motivated him with the promise of a PB&J on whole wheat and he motivated me with promises of a mall excursion. Win-Win!  😉  Haha.

I’ve been dealing with some health issues lately, but kept them to myself because I didn’t want to worry anyone.  Me, being the worry wart that I am thought that Rob might not want to be with me anymore. 

Have I mentioned that I over think things?   

Rob could tell that I haven’t been myself.  I tried to be, but the knot in my stomach was more telltale than I thought.  I also happen to be the worst liar and have a telling face. 

So, mid-shopping trip Rob got it out of me.  The tears trickled down my cheeks as we made our way between stores.  Rob laughed at me.  He told me that he’s with me no matter what.  Instantly, the knot from my stomach disappeard.  He then questioned why I hadn’t told him sooner and stated that I wouldn’t have had to live with said knot in my stomach for so long.  I just didn’t want to worry him.  That’s the way I’ve been since childhood.  I’ve always felt that people had bigger things to worry about  More important things.  I didn’t want to add to the stress pile.  If there’s anything that being with Rob has shown me though is that I’M WORTH IT and that MY OPINION MATTERS. I’m still working on remembering that.

It’s sad to say this, but for many years I didn’t care if I died.  Going through everything with the eating disorder I sometimes felt that giving up would be the easiest thing to do.  Then, I’d think about my loved ones and the hurt that would cause them and I’d put the thought out of my mind.  My life changed when I met Rob 2 years ago .  He showed me what life is truly about and that it holds so much greatness.  When my health was in question I couldn’t believe it.  Now, I DON’T WANT TO DIE!  I want to live forever! 

Sorry for such a heavy realization there.  It’s true though.  I told Rob everything right in the middle of walking through the mall.  He eased all of my fears and told me that we are going to make the most of our lives, no matter how many years that might be!

Relief!  Ahhh….

With all of that behind me, I’m feeling much better.  It also made me come to a realization about my eating.  Friends, that will have to be another post though, because this chick needs to get back to work!

Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hey Guys!

This is going to be a short one, but I wanted to pop in to say hello and let you know that I’m alive.  🙂

Work has been absolutely CRAZY the past few days.  CRAZZZYYYY!!!!  The only reason I even have a chance to write a lil something is because I’m covering the front desk so that the receptionist could take her hour lunch break.  Doesn’t matter that I’ve worked through lunch the past two days, I guess, or that I had to choke down my own food on the way from my desk to the reception area.  Hmph!

I should have known it was going to be one of those weeks when I spilled 1/2 of my protein shake right before leaving the house Monday morning.  Protein shake EVERYWHERE!!  By everywhere I mean: on the wall, on the floor, over the coffee table and IN MY HAIR! 

Errrr….  The only good thing was that it was a vanilla shake, so it didn’t really make any marks on the wall.  Have to try to see the positive, right?  This girl doesn’t cry over spilled milk protein shakes.

Today, I thought I was in the clear.  I made it out the door and smiled to myself. I got to the car and bent in to put my shake in the cup holder. Somehow, I lost my grip on the cup and, yep you guessed it, 3/4 of my shake spilled right in the middle of the driver’s seat.  😦

I admit it, I swore right in the middle of the street.  Sometimes this sweetheart reaches her breaking point.  You can’t be pleasant 100% of the time, right? 😉

After mopping up the spilled shake with a beach towel and then using some Clorox wipes to remove the stickiness I got over it and drove to work, frustrated that this happened two days in a row!

Oh well, the good news is that tomorrow the office is closed for the Fourth of July holiday.  Hurray!  The weather isn’t supposed to be the greatest, but I’m happy just to have the day to relax at home with Rob.

Spilled shake or not, nothing could take away the fact that I pulled my sleepy self out of bed this morning and got an awesome workout in!  Quads, Calves & Cardio for me this morning.  My legs are going to love & hate me tomorrow!

Ok, it’s about that time, guys.  I hope your week is going MUCH better than mine has started out!

~Kim

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