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Posts Tagged ‘Hurricane Sandy’

Hey Guys!

Mixed emotions have made for a very confused Kim lately.  Poor Rob never knows when tears might be sprung upon him and Saturday morning just happened to be one of those days.  I tend to think a lot without expressing my feelings.  Then, one day, when I can’t take the thoughts anymore I let it all out like an erupting volcano.

Volcano

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This time the tears were feelings about not having a purpose in life.

purpose

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I feel like I’m on the road to finding what I’m meant to do, yet I’m just not there yet. The hurricane totally interrupted certain plans that I had for myself. I feel like I can’t truly focus on my goals because life is topsy-turvy right now. I HATE doing anything half-assed. I guess I can be an all or nothing type of person.

When the tears started to flow I mentioned giving up the blog.  I have all of these grand ideas of what this blog can be, but I haven’t had the time to dedicate to it and make it that visualization yet.  I don’t know what I was originally thinking.  I barely have time to read my favorite blogs, never mind writing my own and making it something special. 

It’s that perfectionist tendency that continues to get in my way.  Rob pointed out that this isn’t my job, nor is my wanting to have a body like a fitness model.  These are just things that I strive to do in my life and maybe my goals aren’t realistic.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things a certain way, but don’t give myself credit for what I actually do well.  I always seem to focus on what could be better.  I know I’m not the only one that does this to themselves.  We really have to learn to treat ourselves the way we’d treat others and give ourselves some slack.

Our living situation doesn’t allow me to do my beloved baking or get creative with meals and that contributes to me not being able to make this blog what I envision it to one day be.  That doesn’t mean I have to stop and wait until that day when we finally get to move back home.  I’m going to do what I can for the time being and keep those grand ideas for the near future. 🙂

As for feelings of not having a purpose in life, that’s going to take some work.  Aside from Rob, family and a few friends my life is feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I think that’s part of the reason I keep going back to wanting to compete in a fitness show.  It gives me a goal to work toward, even though it might not be the healthiest thing for someone with disordered eating to strive for.  Rob and my family have spoken up that they don’t agree with this goal for myself.  I swing back and forth between what to do.  I see and understand their point of view.  They just want me to be healthy and happy.  That’s what I want for myself, as well.

I think that instead of striving for body perfection, I need to stay focused on what will fulfill me as a person. 

find purpose

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I don’t have many friends out here in Long Island, but haven’t really put myself out there to meet new people. If Rob goes out with friends or is away on a business trip I’m just left alone.  Being alone can be nice at times.  In fact, I sometimes welcome it; however, sometimes you want to hang out with a friend, do girly things, go to a movie, or try a restaurant or activity that Rob would never try.  If my mom and siblings were closer I’d totally have a crew of people to choose from. There are A LOT of us!!  I’m painfully shy, so making friends has always been difficult for me. I find it even tougher at this stage of my life, as most people already have their set of friends and life is busy with raising a family and work.

Side note: I’ve always been a bit insecure with myself.  For many years, when I was younger and in school, I was teased for my appearance.  I was basically the brown-haired version of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. ;)

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. 😉

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That’s what started the drive in me for body perfection.  I thought that if I lost the weight got contacts, took the braces off and straightened my hair everything would fall into place. We all know the reality of that though, right? In fact, after I lost the weight my sophomore year of high school girls were sometimes even meaner to me.  Some people who had been my friend when I was heavier dropped me.  I was so confused.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME.  Looking back, I know it was the insecurities that they had within themselves that caused them to be that way.  I was (and still do) look to myself for the issue when the issue isn’t always with me.  ~End of Side Note

However, if I start doing activities that I’m interested in (yoga, baking classes, ceramics/crafts, etc) I’ll at least be around other people who have similar interests and might even make a friend or two.  I just have to take that step!

There’s more to life than working out, going to work, paying bills, cleaning & putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight about what life is truly about. For years, my focus has been on getting my body to a certain point so that I could move forward in life and be happy.  I realize how backward that thinking is and how much I’ve been missing out on, as a result.  Maybe, just maybe, if I live my life to the fullest and don’t worry about what others think of me, my body will end up right where it’s meant to be without much effort.

If I truly think about it, that’s the obvious way I SHOULD be living my life!  

  • Instead of waiting to buy new clothes until I lose “X” amount of weight, I should be buying them now in order to feel better about myself.
  • Instead of sitting alone on nights when Rob is away (b/c I’m ashamed of my appearance), leaving me prone to binge eating behaviors, I should be out with friends or enjoying an activity.
  • Instead of worrying about a meal out with friends/family/Rob and ending up with a boring salad and later bingeing on random stuff in the house, I should enjoy what I want in the moment (in moderation, of course) without guilt.

When I look at it I can see the constant cycle which leads me to my bad behaviors and then more shame, taking me further away from the way life is meant to be lived.

Cycle

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Now that I’m conscious of the cycle it’s time to make some changes!

  • My hot yoga classes are purchased. I’ve been to one class so far, but hope to get into a routine so that I see the same faces weekly and maybe make some friends out of it.  It’s a win-win, right?
  • I’m looking into other classes in the area that I might enjoy (baking, cooking, crafts, photography, dance, etc) & actually signing up for them instead of just talking about it.
  • I’m looking for a therapist to help me in my journey to feeling better about myself.
  • Do nice things for myself to help with my self-esteem: new clothes, mani/pedi, consistent hair cuts, etc.
  • I’ll go to the gym for my health and well-being, NOT to look like a competitor.  I also have to be OK with that decision and move on with actually LIVING my life!
  • This blog will remain! I’ll post when and what I can for now and when we FINALLY (please let it be soon, dear lord!) move back home I can continue with my vision.

For now, the purpose of the remainder of my day is to finish all of the projects I should be working on for work, instead of getting these thoughts off my mind. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim

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Hey There!

Happy Friday to you!

It wasn’t even a complete week at work, yet it really seemed to drag.  I don’t even want to imagine next week, as it’ll be my first full week in the office since before Christmas.  Maybe it’ll surprise me though.  You never know. Staying positive!

Want to know my positive thought of the day? Aside from obviously being happy that it’s Friday, of course!

OUR FLOORS WILL BEGIN TO BE PUT IN THIS WEEKEND!!

OMG, Guys, I can’t tell you how happy I am.  We’re getting so close to being able to move back home.  We still have until at least the end of the month before we’ll be able to get back in there and make our house a home again, but at least I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  We’re almost there!

After the floors we still have to paint, finish the molding, buy furniture and get appliances; however, Rob and I are SO ready to get back home that we’ll move in with a blowup mattress the first chance we can get!  It’ll be nice to have our own space again and not have to live on concrete that is swarming with ants that like to attack me!!

So, that’s what’s making me smile this Friday, how about you?  What’s something positive that you’re looking forward to?

~Kim

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Hi Guys!

How’s it going?  We’re in full Hurricane Sandy prep mode over here!  Last year we had an early snow fall over this same weekend. I remember it clearly because we were searching for my new car and found it that day.  I can’t believe it’s already been a year since then!  It doesn’t look like Sandy is supposed to hit until Tuesday (if she does hit), but we’re trying to be cautious and take some preemptive measures, since we live on the water.  Better to be safe than sorry, right?

I rolled out of bed early this morning so I could get a quick sweat session in.  I was extremely tired over the course of this past week, for some reason, and only made it out of bed a few days to get my workouts in.  You better bet I wasn’t going to let another day slip by without one! 

After some Couch to 5K running, a lil elliptical gliding and some iron pumping I made my way home to refuel and clean the house up a bit because we have more unwanted guests people coming shortly to view our house for a showing.  These showings are becoming very annoying.  I know it’s all for a better future though…still annoying

Once we send them on their way they leave, we’re making a run to get my car inspected for emissions and then to BJ’s to stock up on some Hurricane Sandy goods (flashlight batteries, Dura-Flame logs, jugs of water, etc).  We also have to take the boat out of the water.  Goodbye boating season. 😦

It’s going to be a full day of errands, but at least I get to spend the day with my man. 🙂

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Saturday Stats

If you remember the steps to reaching my goal in my Turkey Day Challenge , you’ll know that #9 is to take starting & finishing measurements and pictures.  I thought about it some more and decided that keeping myself accountable weekly is important to me.  So that, my friends, is how “Saturday Stats” was created as a weekly regular to the good ol’ blog.

I’ll post my changes weekly until I’ve reached my goals.  From there, I might just post these once a month to make sure that I stay accountable and maintain my success.  What do you think?

I thought about not mentioning my actual stats and just providing the amount I lost, gained (hope not) or remained the same.  My uncomfortable weight might be someone’s ideal and I don’t want anyone to compare themselves to me or think that I’d look at them in a negative light for any reason.  Honestly, the only person I’m ever critical of is myself.  Unless you’re a truly horrible person (speaking about what comes from someone’s heart, not their image), I will never see you in a negative way.  I see others the way that I should really see myself, but that’s going to take some work.

Anyway, the more I thought about it, for my own accountability purposes, the more I knew that I had to put the facts out there.  I don’t know how I got to this point again of not being comfortable in my own skin, but I’m here and that’s the reality.  I don’t want to sweep it under the rug anymore.

Side note: It isn’t the weight that’s as much of an issue as how I got to this weight.  My ED embarrasses me.  I didn’t gain weight enjoying delicious food with family and friends.  I didn’t gain it trying all of the drinks that are accessible to me through my company.  At least then I could look back and say that I enjoyed the experience that went along with the weight gain.  No, this weight is all a product of ED.  That stops here though!  Remember, I’m not falling victim to myself anymore!

I’m looking at these numbers head on and making changes to be MY best me.  I can’t emphasize enough that you have to do what’s right for YOU!  Every individual is different.  We each have a happy weight that is just right for us and a diet (meant as: “our way of eating”) that works right for us individually.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Strive to be your best.  Challenge yourself to be a better person than you were yesterday.  That’s all that matters!

With that being said, here are my starting stats:

Weight – 144.2 lbs

Right Bicep – 11 3/4″ (12 1/4″ Flexed)

Left Bicep – 11 3/4″ (12″ Flexed)

Wrist – 5 3/4″

Chest – 34 3/4″

Waist – 30″

Pooch (the area between my waist & hips 😉 ) – 35 1/2″

Hips – 39″

Right Thigh – 22 1/2″

Left Thigh – 22″

Right Calf – 14 1/2″

Left Calf – 14 1/2″

Right Ankle – 9 3/4″

Left Ankle – 9 3/4″

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Ok, I have to run.  Have a wonderful weekend!

~Kim

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