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Hey Guys!

Mixed emotions have made for a very confused Kim lately.  Poor Rob never knows when tears might be sprung upon him and Saturday morning just happened to be one of those days.  I tend to think a lot without expressing my feelings.  Then, one day, when I can’t take the thoughts anymore I let it all out like an erupting volcano.

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This time the tears were feelings about not having a purpose in life.

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I feel like I’m on the road to finding what I’m meant to do, yet I’m just not there yet. The hurricane totally interrupted certain plans that I had for myself. I feel like I can’t truly focus on my goals because life is topsy-turvy right now. I HATE doing anything half-assed. I guess I can be an all or nothing type of person.

When the tears started to flow I mentioned giving up the blog.  I have all of these grand ideas of what this blog can be, but I haven’t had the time to dedicate to it and make it that visualization yet.  I don’t know what I was originally thinking.  I barely have time to read my favorite blogs, never mind writing my own and making it something special. 

It’s that perfectionist tendency that continues to get in my way.  Rob pointed out that this isn’t my job, nor is my wanting to have a body like a fitness model.  These are just things that I strive to do in my life and maybe my goals aren’t realistic.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things a certain way, but don’t give myself credit for what I actually do well.  I always seem to focus on what could be better.  I know I’m not the only one that does this to themselves.  We really have to learn to treat ourselves the way we’d treat others and give ourselves some slack.

Our living situation doesn’t allow me to do my beloved baking or get creative with meals and that contributes to me not being able to make this blog what I envision it to one day be.  That doesn’t mean I have to stop and wait until that day when we finally get to move back home.  I’m going to do what I can for the time being and keep those grand ideas for the near future. 🙂

As for feelings of not having a purpose in life, that’s going to take some work.  Aside from Rob, family and a few friends my life is feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I think that’s part of the reason I keep going back to wanting to compete in a fitness show.  It gives me a goal to work toward, even though it might not be the healthiest thing for someone with disordered eating to strive for.  Rob and my family have spoken up that they don’t agree with this goal for myself.  I swing back and forth between what to do.  I see and understand their point of view.  They just want me to be healthy and happy.  That’s what I want for myself, as well.

I think that instead of striving for body perfection, I need to stay focused on what will fulfill me as a person. 

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I don’t have many friends out here in Long Island, but haven’t really put myself out there to meet new people. If Rob goes out with friends or is away on a business trip I’m just left alone.  Being alone can be nice at times.  In fact, I sometimes welcome it; however, sometimes you want to hang out with a friend, do girly things, go to a movie, or try a restaurant or activity that Rob would never try.  If my mom and siblings were closer I’d totally have a crew of people to choose from. There are A LOT of us!!  I’m painfully shy, so making friends has always been difficult for me. I find it even tougher at this stage of my life, as most people already have their set of friends and life is busy with raising a family and work.

Side note: I’ve always been a bit insecure with myself.  For many years, when I was younger and in school, I was teased for my appearance.  I was basically the brown-haired version of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. ;)

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. 😉

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That’s what started the drive in me for body perfection.  I thought that if I lost the weight got contacts, took the braces off and straightened my hair everything would fall into place. We all know the reality of that though, right? In fact, after I lost the weight my sophomore year of high school girls were sometimes even meaner to me.  Some people who had been my friend when I was heavier dropped me.  I was so confused.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME.  Looking back, I know it was the insecurities that they had within themselves that caused them to be that way.  I was (and still do) look to myself for the issue when the issue isn’t always with me.  ~End of Side Note

However, if I start doing activities that I’m interested in (yoga, baking classes, ceramics/crafts, etc) I’ll at least be around other people who have similar interests and might even make a friend or two.  I just have to take that step!

There’s more to life than working out, going to work, paying bills, cleaning & putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight about what life is truly about. For years, my focus has been on getting my body to a certain point so that I could move forward in life and be happy.  I realize how backward that thinking is and how much I’ve been missing out on, as a result.  Maybe, just maybe, if I live my life to the fullest and don’t worry about what others think of me, my body will end up right where it’s meant to be without much effort.

If I truly think about it, that’s the obvious way I SHOULD be living my life!  

  • Instead of waiting to buy new clothes until I lose “X” amount of weight, I should be buying them now in order to feel better about myself.
  • Instead of sitting alone on nights when Rob is away (b/c I’m ashamed of my appearance), leaving me prone to binge eating behaviors, I should be out with friends or enjoying an activity.
  • Instead of worrying about a meal out with friends/family/Rob and ending up with a boring salad and later bingeing on random stuff in the house, I should enjoy what I want in the moment (in moderation, of course) without guilt.

When I look at it I can see the constant cycle which leads me to my bad behaviors and then more shame, taking me further away from the way life is meant to be lived.

Cycle

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Now that I’m conscious of the cycle it’s time to make some changes!

  • My hot yoga classes are purchased. I’ve been to one class so far, but hope to get into a routine so that I see the same faces weekly and maybe make some friends out of it.  It’s a win-win, right?
  • I’m looking into other classes in the area that I might enjoy (baking, cooking, crafts, photography, dance, etc) & actually signing up for them instead of just talking about it.
  • I’m looking for a therapist to help me in my journey to feeling better about myself.
  • Do nice things for myself to help with my self-esteem: new clothes, mani/pedi, consistent hair cuts, etc.
  • I’ll go to the gym for my health and well-being, NOT to look like a competitor.  I also have to be OK with that decision and move on with actually LIVING my life!
  • This blog will remain! I’ll post when and what I can for now and when we FINALLY (please let it be soon, dear lord!) move back home I can continue with my vision.

For now, the purpose of the remainder of my day is to finish all of the projects I should be working on for work, instead of getting these thoughts off my mind. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim

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So Long 2012!

Hi My Sweets!

Before the ball drops and we ring in yet another new year, I figured it would be a good time to reflect on this past year.  I still remember standing in our friend’s kitchen on New Years Eve 2011 and exclaiming that I had a feeling that it was going to be a great year.  Man, was I wrong!

The year started with much promise as Rob and I quickly checked off quite a few things on our 2012 Goal Lists.

 

We drove out East

For My Birthday in March
For My Birthday in March

TWICE!

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Montauk Lighthouse

 

I Signed Up for IIN (after a few years of dreaming about it)

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I Started Training for a Fitness Competition

 

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We Entertained at Our House

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Nothing Like Starting With My Sister’s Bridal Shower, Right?  Winking smile

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Along With Various Other Get-Togethers

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Which Meant We Got To See Much More of Family & Friends

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There were a few milestones that won’t be forgotten, like:

My Brother’s College Graduation

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My Sister’s Wedding & Wedding Festivities

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Jess' Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2

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Jess' Wedding

Jess' Wedding Kiss

Bouquet Give Away

Rob's Reaction

Rob’s Best Friend Became a Dad

Eva Bella

Making Rob a Godfather Again

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Rob & I Got Our Very 1st Pumpkins Together Smile

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Our Friends Got Hitched

Tricia & Frankie's Wedding

 

***

Even with all of those wonderful things, maybe I should have known that, unfortunately, the remainder of the year would bring with it destruction and sadness.  It all started when 3 weeks into 2012, one of the neighborhood teens badly crashed Rob’s new car.

The Damage…Car Wreck

The teen hit his car with such force that damage was done from pretty much every angle.  It even pushed Rob’s car into the van that was parked behind him!  We tried to look at the positive.  No one was hurt and had his car not been there the teen probably would have ended up in our living room.

My Grandmother passed away in July.

Grandma

She had just had her 90th birthday and it was difficult letting her go.  Stress from her loss and other personal issues (work, etc.) reared the nasty head of my disordered eating, which I’ve been struggling with ever since.

Then, Sandy hit and our “normal” completely fell apart.

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It was the first time in my life that I literally felt like a hobo.

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We consider ourselves lucky out of those that have been hit.  At least the structure of our house was still standing, but we have yet to be able to move back in. 😦

Our current living situation hasn’t been the best for me. 

Mess

I try to stay strong for Rob.  I realize that he is trying his best and this is a difficult time for him too.  The best words to describe how I feel are paralyzed and useless.  Currently, there’s nothing I can do to make our situation better.  The situation is out of my hands.  I don’t do well in these types of situations.  I like to be in control and NEED organization in my life.  I have neither.  This situation has only compounded with the stress I was already feeling and my eating struggles have spiraled further downward.

Aside from all of this, there were multiple, back-to-back tragedies for some of my coworkers.  My team alone was hit pretty hard.  There was a point where we wondered what was going to happen next.  Everyone’s morale has really been put to the test this year.

Basically, I’m one big mess.  The Kim that stated that she thought this was going to be a great year feels like a completely different person.  I can’t wait to put 2012 behind me and start with the fresh slate that the new year will bring with it.  What I’m trying to remember about 2012 is the good that shined through during strife and that Rob and I pulled through all of the turmoil without a doubt in our minds that we’d make it through together.

***

Epilogue:

When I first started writing this post I had a bad taste in myself for 2012, due to the events that have recently transpired in our lives.  As I started looking back at pictures, I was reminded that the year was filled with much good that got shuffled into the background and overshadowed, as we’ve been focusing on rebuilding what we once had.  I’m still looking forward for 2012 to end, but I don’t have quite as much distaste for it as when I first sat down to type this.

I hope this New Year brings you much love, happiness, good health, fond memories and ever lasting smiles!

~Kim

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Good Morning, My Sweets!

It’s dull and gray out, here in NY.  It would be the perfect day to cuddle under some blankets and watch movies all day.  Unfortunately, it’s Tuesday and that means that most of us are at work. 😦

To brighten up this dreary day, I fixed myself a breakfast of Fat Free Greek Yogurt, Sliced Strawberries, a Sprinkle of Blueberries & a Trader Joe’s Blueberry Wheat Bran Muffin.

Eaten at my desk, of course.

Rounded out with Vitamins….

…and Coffee

It was delish!!

Now, I’m trying to stay focused on work, but thoughts of a surreal moment last night keep crowding my brain.

Rob’s good friend’s 1st daughter, Eva (pronounced “Ava”), was born very early Sunday morning.  I’d say that’s about the best Father’s Day gift you could ask for. 

She’s healthy, happy and beautiful!

Last night, we went to visit the happy family.  I opened the door to the hospital room and rested my eyes on their little precious girl.  Just a glance at her and you fall in love.

Rob refused to hold her, fearing that he would drop her or do something wrong.  I waited my turn, scrubbed up and was allowed to hold her until the nurse came in and told us that visiting hours were over.  Perfect timing since she was getting a little fussy because it was time to eat! 😉

It was funny watching Rob standing protectively by us, as I held Eva, yet he was afraid to hold her.  He’s so confident about the majority of things he’s faced with in life, yet this precious little creature made him nervous.  It made my heart melt for Rob, as well.

I took in the entire scene.  The banter between Rob and his good friend, Lou, made me think back to my own childhood.  Rob is now “Uncle Rob” to Eva. 

Sometimes, the ties of friendship are stronger than blood.

I thought back to my own godfather, Uncle Al.  He wasn’t related through blood, but he treated us better than some of our blood relatives.  Sitting, holding Ava, made me feel like I had come full circle.  Right before me I could see how the bond of true friendship can turn friends into family. 

I know that Rob will be a part of Eva’s life forever.  She’ll hear her dad telling stories about his younger years and the adventures he had with Rob.  Just the thought of that, this Tuesday, brings a smile to my face.

Have a great day!

-Kim

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