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Posts Tagged ‘ED’

Hi Guys!

Another day flying by over here.  Work has been completely nutzo ever since I returned from our vacation a few weeks ago.  I feel like….Vacation? What vacation?  Disappointed smile My tan has faded and life has resumed as usual, but good memories were made as well as a new friend. Smile  I can only imagine how stressed I might be right now had I not gone on vacation.  At least I got a lil sunshine before coming back to NY and getting sick…twice.

So, I mentioned in Saturday’s post that I reached out for help with my eating.  For someone like me who has had issues with weight/eating their entire life, giving up control to someone else is extremely scary.  Where has trying to always be in control honestly gotten me though, right?  It seems that I continue in the same vicious cycle and never seem to break free.

In the past I’ve questioned people’s methods and always found reasons why their plan wasn’t going to work for me.  It wasn’t that it wouldn’t work; rather, it all boiled down to me having to give up control over what and the way that I was eating and not wanting to relinquish that control 100%.  I realize that I’m never going to get better that way.  So, although there is a hint of fear in increasing my calories on a constant basis, I’m EXTREMELY excited to see where this takes me hopefully off of this merry-go-round I’ve been on for over 2 decades.  This isn’t a fitness competitor program.  This is just me trying to reach my optimal health in a balanced way so I can be finally be happy and not allow food to control my life anymore.  I’m crossing my fingers that this is the time that everything clicks for me!

Only a few more hours here at the office and then I’ll hurry on to my new found love, KICKBOXING!  I haven’t been to class in over a week, due to being sick.  I can’t wait to get back in their and knock the bag around.  Before my vacation and then getting sick I could tell that I had gotten stronger and my endurance had drastically improved.  Let’s hope that I haven’t lost much in the time that I’ve been out from class.  Aside from getting a great workout, class provides me with an hour that’s completely mine.  I can take my frustrations out on the bag, work to better my conditioning, take it a little easier some days if I’m not feeling 100%, but also get the push in motivation by being in a class with 14 or so other people.  It’s great!  Seriously, when you find an activity that you enjoy it makes a huge difference!

 

I best be off to do that thing called work.  I hope your week is going well!

~Kim

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Hey There!

It’s been a while, huh?  I wasn’t sure if I’d even remember how to sign into my account to blog. Winking smile

I’ve been home sick the past two days.  Rob caught a nasty stomach bug and lovingly passed it on to me.  I can normally tolerate pain pretty well, but yesterday I was literally moaning in bed and could barely pick my cell phone up to catch up on my favorite blogs or browse through the Twitter-sphere. The most I could do was lay on the blow-up mattress that we’ve been sleeping on and every so often look up to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County marathon that was playing in the background.   I’m definitely not 100% today, but I’m better than yesterday.  At least I was able to get up and take a shower today and not feel like a total slob.

While I’m not home for the best of reasons, I figured I would turn the time off into a positive and blog since I haven’t been able to in what seems like forever.  So much has happened since I last posted!

I’ll start with the best news.  Last Sunday night we slept at HOME for the first time in four months, since Hurricane Sandy!  I can’t even put into words what a wonderful feeling that was.  It felt VICTORIOUS!  I wanted to shout “F-U Sandy!”  We still have a lot to do, but we’re “almost there”. 

HappyBed

KitchenDining Room

Living Room

I promise I’ll do a full post about Hurricane Sandy in the future.  For now, I’m cherishing being back home.  I can’t wait to cook our first real dinner on the new stove.  So far, only soup and an omelet have been made, since one or both of us have been sick since moving back in.

Wednesday night I took my fourth and final IIN exam.  Something told me to take the exam that night.  Originally I was planning to do it yesterday and that would not have been fun, being sick and all.  Anyway, I passed!  As of today I’m a IIN Grad and a health counselor.  Yay!  I can’t wait to take this certification and do something with it.  The little wheels in my brain are turning.  It’s going to take some time, but I WILL make it happen!

You know, part of what I learned in my IIN courses is that we can’t let taking care of others get in the way of also taking the time to take care of ourselves.  We have to know when to reach out for support.  I’ve always been very open on the blog about my issues with disordered eating.  I still struggle, even though the issues seem to come in waves and aren’t constant.  The entire situation with Sandy threw me for a loop.  I didn’t deal well.  I kept all of my anxiety and frustration bottled up, except for a few explosions I had in front of Rob (poor guy), which resulted in my disordered eating to rear its nasty head.  Now that we are back home I’m able to focus more on myself.  The other day I knew it was time for me to do something about it.  So, I reached for support and am excited to start working on my issues as of this Monday with a trained professional.  It’s going to take work, but I’m ready for it.  I’m not going to allow this to control my life any longer!

Another thing I learned throughout my studies is that we must push past our fears

BS

Being a shy person, I tend to hold myself back a lot.  I don’t like doing new things on my own.  I’ll come up with a million excuses not to do something that I really want to do, all because of fear.  One of the things on my bucket list was to try kickboxing.  I tried persuading my sister and a few friends, but I could tell that no one was going to pull through for me.  Either I was going to do it alone or not do it at all.  I signed up online randomly one Thursday for an introductory 3 pack of sessions and I haven’t looked back since.  Pushing myself in that moment was one of the best things I could have done for myself.  I walked out of that first class so proud of myself and honestly smile every time I go to class, knowing how hard it was for me on that first day and how this is now part of my new norm.

photo

I LOVE going to class, having that hour of me-time all to myself, and getting a good sweat on in the process.

Workout Fun

I feel my body getting stronger just from going 2-3 times per week.  I also think that for someone like me who bottles everything up, punching and kicking a bag as hard as I want is good for me.  It allows me to get some of my built up frustrations out.  My boss told me not to get too good. LOL.  I don’t know what he’s afraid of. Winking smile

Ok, it’s time for me to lay down again.  This bug is really kicking my toosh!  Have a wonderful weekend and be ready for regular blog posting starting in the coming week.

~Kim

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Hi My Sweets!

Well, we’ve made it to 2013!  Happy New Year to you!!

I wish I could say that I woke up cheery and bright, ready to welcome in the new year.  Unfortunately, my day started with tears, but Rob did what he does best and got the tears to go away.  Smile

I tend to dwell on the past, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned more than once here on the blog.  I think that Carla said it best in one of her recent posts.  We have to “stop re-reading” and “start living life through the windshield instead of through our rearview mirror.”  I completely agree! 

I’m known in my family to live in the past, wishing I could have done X, Y and Z instead of A, B & C.  We can’t go back and fix things.  All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move forward, resolving not to make the same mistakes again.

I’ve been extremely ashamed of myself lately.  So ashamed that I’ve unintentionally been hunching over instead of walking straight.  Can you imagine?  I’ve always had great posture even if it was the result of being tortured for 4 years of marching band.  I guess I’m trying to make myself as small as I possibly can, but I obviously look ridiculous not standing tall and proud.  I’m MAD that I let myself get to this point after feeling so great about myself last February.  I was actually beginning to see abdominal muscles back then.  My legs looked the best they had ever looked….IN.MY.LIFE!  No more looking back though!!

Lately, I’ve pushing myself to be out in public.  Going to work and even being around family has been causing a lot of anxiety for me.  Let’s face it, at work people have bigger issues to deal with and friends and family love me for me, NOT what I look like.  However, if I could crawl into a dark corner and live the rest of my life out there I totally would.  What a sad way to think, right?  Well, NO MORE!

I have too much to live for, too much I should be thankful for and too much of a difference I can make in the world!  This sweetheart isn’t going to curl up in some dark corner and watch the rest of her life pass her by. I’m not going down without a fight, even if it’s the fight of my life! NO WAY!!

Over the past few years I haven’t made New Years Resolutions.  I don’t think that it should take a new year for you to make changes to be a better version of yourself.  Every day is a new opportunity for us to make changes. 

It just so happens that my ultimate low is coinciding with the new year.  Instead of making “resolutions” for 2013 I’m going to make some “commitments” to myself.

***

My Commitments To Myself:

  1. Be kind to myself.
  2. Take actions to be the healthiest ME possible (mind, body & spirit).
  3. Live in the moment, not in the past.
  4. Fully enjoy the experience in Nevis in February. 
  5. Have confidence in myself that I have the ability to make my life the way I want it to be.
  6. Stand TALL!  No more hunching over!!
  7. Learn to love myself, imperfections and all.

***

With these commitments, there has to be an action plan.  I’m not going to get from A to Z just by wishing, ya know?

Here’s The Plan:

  1. Every morning, wake up and think of at least 1 thing I have to look forward to that day.
  2. Every night, journal 3 good things that happened and/or that I was thankful for.
  3. Stretch Daily!
  4. Remember to check my posture.
  5. Find something that I’m passionate about and volunteer.
  6. Read at least 1 book per month.
  7. Keep up with current events.
  8. Start going back to church weekly.
  9. Make more dates with friends.
  10. Find a good therapist and begin to meet with her weekly.
  11. Make all necessary doctor appointments.
  12. Go to hot yoga at least 1x/week.
  13. Cardio at least 3x/week (finish the Couch to 5k program).
  14. Weights/Boot Camp 3-4x/week.
  15. Look in the mirror at least 1x/week and tell myself one thing I like about myself.
  16. Prep for the week (meals, work outfits, workout schedule, etc) on the weekend and the night before.
  17. Go to bed at a normal hour (11 PM at the very latest on week nights).
  18. Drink enough water daily.
  19. Take my vitamins daily.
  20. Eat enough throughout the day so I’m not starving at night (late night hours are when I have issues with my eating).
  21. Begin to write out my business plan.
  22. Blog consistently.
  23. Vlog weekly.
  24. Buy new clothes.
  25. Treat myself to a mani/pedi, waxing, haircut regularly.
  26. Organize our dungeon current living situation so that I don’t have as much anxiety living there.

What do you think?  Do my commitments and action plan seem reasonable?  Do you make resolutions every year?

***

Rob took starting pictures for me this morning….in my bikini.  I’m horrified!  There’s no way I’m stepping on a beach in Nevis looking this way!  I included steps in my action plan to allow me to be confident in my body (or at least more confident) by the time we get on that plane to paradise.

This is going to be the trip of a lifetime and I REFUSE to allow myself to overshadow the experience with negative thoughts!

This Saturday I’m going to post the starting pics along with my stats.  It’s ok, you can close your eyes if you want to.  I’m giving ya fair warning that it isn’t pretty. Winking smile

I know I don’t have much time until the trip.  We leave February 9th, so I only have just over a month to make changes.  I don’t have unrealistic expectations in my mind.  I know I’m not going to lose 30 lbs in 40 days.  That just won’t happen (Nor do I need to lose 30 lbs.  I’d like to lose about 20 by the summer).  That doesn’t mean I don’t start TODAY in making changes and going down the right path.

Do It Today

I’M in control of getting my body fit!It’s up to ME!

I Shape ME

I’ve made up my mind!

Change Your Mind

2013 is going to be my BEST year yet!!

2013

A year from today, this morning’s tears will be a distant memory and I will wake up with a smile on my face knowing that I committed myself to being the best me I can be and that I didn’t let myself down.

Wishing you all the best in 2013 and always!

~Kim

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Hi Guys!

 

I hope this holiday season has warmed your heart and made life even sweeter.  The holidays have always been my favorite time of the year.  The combination of twinkling lights lining the streets, decade old traditions bringing about happy memories from the past, cookie baking, holiday music, finding just the right gift to surprise loved ones with, the scent of pine, treasured ornaments and family get-togethers all usually make for a very happy Kim.  Unlike other years, the thought of the holidays didn’t lift my spirits this year.  I felt like the Grinch, to be honest.  Miss Grinch!

More likely than not, it all has to do with the aftermath of Sandy.  I just haven’t been myself for months.  While Sandy hit in October, I still seem to be stuck back in August.  Maybe all of the events leading up to my sister’s wedding are the cause for that; however, Sandy really threw me into a tailspin.  Our living situation has been trying and I’ve allowed it to put a damper on my mood.  I try to stay strong for Rob, but I know that I’m just not myself.  I know that he sees that in me sometimes too.  I’m the worst liar and he’s able to see right through me, especially when I’m sad.

Luckily, my sister came to my rescue, asking us to sleep over her house on Christmas Eve.  We all had a great dinner together and I fell asleep afterwards surrounded by loved ones and the soft glow of Christmas lights.  Rob woke me up to head to bed and I felt like a child again, waking up early on Christmas morning.  It was the first I felt like it was really Christmas all season.  Unlike my childhood days, I woke up with excitement to prep for the day, not open presents.  My sister and I got to work finishing gift wrapping and prepping food for when the guest would arrive.  I was able to spend a few hours with my own family when they arrived after their ferry trip from CT to Long Island.  Rob and I then made a quick 6 minute drive to his cousin’s house to celebrate Christmas with his family.  Quite convenient how close she lives to my sister.  No complaints here! Winking smile

All in all, it was a wonderful day that restored my spirit.  To top it off, Rob surprised me with a brand new laptop!  Originally, he had told me that we wouldn’t be exchanging gifts, but he walked into the kitchen Christmas morning holding an assortment of cheerfully wrapped boxes and holiday gift bags for me.  I was completely thrown off and had no clue what he possibly could have for me because I never said a word about anything that would be a good present.  That Rob.  I tell ya, he’s a good one.  He’s been watching me struggle and sigh with my old laptop and took it upon himself to find this new one for me.  It gives me even more motivation to get back into my blogging.  Smile  I promise to be around more often now.  Pinky swear!

***

Thursday Thoughts

Now, for a little reality check. 

As with other times in my life when things are out of whack it seems that my brain tends to follow suit.  I become depressed and more times than not my eating issues come out in full force.  Unfortunately, I have been dealing with those issues lately.  It’s a really bad cycle, because I become even more depressed knowing that I’m not in control of these eating issues, especially when my weight begins creeping up and clothes become uncomfortably tight.  I’m right at that point, friends.  Sad smile  What’s scary to me is knowing that we are going on a trip in about 1 1/2 months.  I really want to get this under control so I can fully enjoy our once in a lifetime experience in Nevis!

Moving forward, I’m not going to focus on trying to lose a certain amount of weight by the time our trip comes about.  Instead, I’m going to focus on the positive I have in my life to keep me busy and fulfilled.  I know that focusing on weight loss is something that will actually take me further from my goal.  When I stress myself out with numbers and perfection it’s all a downward spiral for me.  Now, some of those “positive” things will be health related.  For example, I’m really excited about some hot yoga sessions that I purchased for myself and I’m considering joining a boot camp class that some of my coworkers attend.  While the end result should improve my fitness level and lead to shedding some weight, it’s really more about the experience, learning new skills, finding things to keep me busy and some time to socialize with friends outside of the office.  All in all, it should be a positive experience.  Keep your fingers crossed that my hunch is right and that by focusing on self fulfillment it will all end with a more confident me come trip time.  By that point,  I’ll be Miss Grinch no more!

***

Now, it’s off to bed for this sweetheart.  It’s currently 2 AM and I know waking up for work is going to be very difficult in a few short hours.

Have a wonderful day!

~Kim

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Hi Guys!

I was on such a role with regularly posting until Sandy hit.  Unfortunately, we lost everything (I’m not even exaggerating when I say that) with the storm and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to consistently post again.  I’ll write more about Sandy in the future and will be around as much as I possibly can, considering the circumstances. 

I still haven’t been to work since before the storm.  Crazy!  I have so much anxiety right now about multiple things (our home, work, how we’re going to replace everything, dealing with the loss of things that can never be replaced, not having heat or power, what the heck I’m going to wear to a wedding this weekend nevermind work, when I do make it back, etc).  The most important thing is that everyone is safe.  We will be stronger after we get through this together. 

The situation is definitely overwhelming and my brain isn’t in the right place to be able to describe it all.  I’m glad that I wrote the following post prior to the storm.  I was hoping to also have a vlog for you, but that isn’t possible right now.  I still wanted to get my message out to you in this week’s Thursday Thoughts. 🙂

***

Who Do You Want to Be?

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pretty powerful words.  That Ralph Waldo Emerson sure was a smart man.  I love so many of his quotes!  Every time I hear a quote that I like I can be 99% sure that it’s one of his.  It’s just like my radar for Michael Kors’ bags.  😉

Anyway, someone had tweeted that quote yesterday and it made me start thinking of my post about not being a victim to yourself.  I can either play the victim, using the excuse that I have an eating disorder and that’s why I can’t do X, Y & Z OR I can decide that I am going to do what it takes to be the person that I want to become.

Yes, dealing with ED is a part of me.  Most likely, I’ll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I’m just going to let it defeat me, miss out on experiences and not strive to be my best me possible.  No Way! 

I’ve always been one to put the things I want to do to the side, waiting to be at my best (for me, meaning being at my “perfect” weight)  in order to do them.  No More!

There’s only one person standing in the way of me reaching my potential…ME!

Yes, another Ralph Waldo Emerson quote.  I told you I liked him! 😉

There you have it.  It feels good to have that off of my chest.  I think it’s good for me to see that I’m actually the one in control.  If I’m not happy with where I’m at it’s my fault and my fault alone.  Yes, I have struggles.  We all do and there are some with much worse struggles than me.  I should be thankful with the cards I’ve been dealt instead of focusing on the negative.

I know who I want to be.  Do you?  Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?  I’m starting NOW!

***

I hope that you fared well through the storm.  Everyone is in my thoughts.  I promise to be back as soon as I possibly can.  I can’t wait for a sense of normalcy again.

Sincerely,

~Kim

XOXO

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Hi Guys!

How’s it going?  We’re in full Hurricane Sandy prep mode over here!  Last year we had an early snow fall over this same weekend. I remember it clearly because we were searching for my new car and found it that day.  I can’t believe it’s already been a year since then!  It doesn’t look like Sandy is supposed to hit until Tuesday (if she does hit), but we’re trying to be cautious and take some preemptive measures, since we live on the water.  Better to be safe than sorry, right?

I rolled out of bed early this morning so I could get a quick sweat session in.  I was extremely tired over the course of this past week, for some reason, and only made it out of bed a few days to get my workouts in.  You better bet I wasn’t going to let another day slip by without one! 

After some Couch to 5K running, a lil elliptical gliding and some iron pumping I made my way home to refuel and clean the house up a bit because we have more unwanted guests people coming shortly to view our house for a showing.  These showings are becoming very annoying.  I know it’s all for a better future though…still annoying

Once we send them on their way they leave, we’re making a run to get my car inspected for emissions and then to BJ’s to stock up on some Hurricane Sandy goods (flashlight batteries, Dura-Flame logs, jugs of water, etc).  We also have to take the boat out of the water.  Goodbye boating season. 😦

It’s going to be a full day of errands, but at least I get to spend the day with my man. 🙂

***

Saturday Stats

If you remember the steps to reaching my goal in my Turkey Day Challenge , you’ll know that #9 is to take starting & finishing measurements and pictures.  I thought about it some more and decided that keeping myself accountable weekly is important to me.  So that, my friends, is how “Saturday Stats” was created as a weekly regular to the good ol’ blog.

I’ll post my changes weekly until I’ve reached my goals.  From there, I might just post these once a month to make sure that I stay accountable and maintain my success.  What do you think?

I thought about not mentioning my actual stats and just providing the amount I lost, gained (hope not) or remained the same.  My uncomfortable weight might be someone’s ideal and I don’t want anyone to compare themselves to me or think that I’d look at them in a negative light for any reason.  Honestly, the only person I’m ever critical of is myself.  Unless you’re a truly horrible person (speaking about what comes from someone’s heart, not their image), I will never see you in a negative way.  I see others the way that I should really see myself, but that’s going to take some work.

Anyway, the more I thought about it, for my own accountability purposes, the more I knew that I had to put the facts out there.  I don’t know how I got to this point again of not being comfortable in my own skin, but I’m here and that’s the reality.  I don’t want to sweep it under the rug anymore.

Side note: It isn’t the weight that’s as much of an issue as how I got to this weight.  My ED embarrasses me.  I didn’t gain weight enjoying delicious food with family and friends.  I didn’t gain it trying all of the drinks that are accessible to me through my company.  At least then I could look back and say that I enjoyed the experience that went along with the weight gain.  No, this weight is all a product of ED.  That stops here though!  Remember, I’m not falling victim to myself anymore!

I’m looking at these numbers head on and making changes to be MY best me.  I can’t emphasize enough that you have to do what’s right for YOU!  Every individual is different.  We each have a happy weight that is just right for us and a diet (meant as: “our way of eating”) that works right for us individually.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Strive to be your best.  Challenge yourself to be a better person than you were yesterday.  That’s all that matters!

With that being said, here are my starting stats:

Weight – 144.2 lbs

Right Bicep – 11 3/4″ (12 1/4″ Flexed)

Left Bicep – 11 3/4″ (12″ Flexed)

Wrist – 5 3/4″

Chest – 34 3/4″

Waist – 30″

Pooch (the area between my waist & hips 😉 ) – 35 1/2″

Hips – 39″

Right Thigh – 22 1/2″

Left Thigh – 22″

Right Calf – 14 1/2″

Left Calf – 14 1/2″

Right Ankle – 9 3/4″

Left Ankle – 9 3/4″

***

Ok, I have to run.  Have a wonderful weekend!

~Kim

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Hi There!

Iiiiitttttt’sssss FRIDAY!!

Can you tell I’m excited?  😉

Today will most likely be a hectic, jumbled-up, scrambling-around kind of day at the office because I’m preparing to send my boss on his way overseas for a week’s worth of business meetings.  There are reports to be bound, presentations to be finalized and itineraries to be triple checked, but I think I have it all covered.  Once he’s out that door a wave of relief will hit, knowing that we did it.  The day before he leaves and the day he returns are always crazy, but I’m used to it by now.  He really has the tough part of doing all of the traveling.  Although, one of these days I’d love to be stuffed in his luggage just so I can view the sites, at least one time in my life.  Think he’d take me if I promise to carry all of his bags?

Most would be mine, but whose counting? 😉

***

Anyway, it’s Friday and you know what that means, right?  Errr, or at least what it used to mean before I started slacking….

Friday Fitness!!

Turkey Day Challenge

So, I’ve been thinking about my goals lately and the fact that I’m not exactly thrilled with my appearance or the way that my clothes have been fitting.  I’ve been much better about getting my tush to the gym, but I still have had some eating issues that I need to get under control.  I’m not looking for perfection or anything unrealistic.  As of this past Monday it’s a month until Thanksgiving.  I think that if I could lose about 6 pounds by then I’d feel a lot better about myself.

Here’s the deal, folks:

Goal – Lose 6 pounds by Turkey Day

Reward – A new outfit for the big day, of course!

Steps to Reaching My Goal

  1. Weightlifting 4 days/week
  2. Couch to 5K 3 days/week
  3. 1-2 Extra Cardio Sessions/week (try to add a spin class in)
  4. Try Yoga!
  5. Stretch After EVERY Workout! (I have been so tight lately!)
  6. Be aware of ED.  Distract myself with other, positive activities.
  7. Drink at least 8 glasses of water/day
  8. Make sure I eat enough (small meals spread out through the day)
  9. Take starting and finishing measurements & photos (not sure if I’ll actually post the photos….at least not after only  a 4 week period….it might take a couple of challenges before I’m willing to do that)

That’s it!  Nothing extreme.  No two-a-day workouts.  No carb cycling.  No magic pills.  Pretty simple, right?

I’ll check in every Friday with my progress (weight/measurement changes) and whether I hit my weekly goals or not.

***

Ok, time to get this crazy day started so I can ring in the weekend ASAP!

Have a great day!

~Kim

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