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Hi My Sweets!

I currently pulled myself out of the whirlwind that I call my work life to take a short break and regroup myself.  The past few days have really flown because work has been INSANELY busy.  Hey, it’s better to get to take your break at 3 PM instead of no break at all, right?  Sometimes, I actually like to take my break later in the day.  By the time I get back to my desk the day is almost over and I’m motivated in knowing that I’ll be able to leave and go home (or go to kickboxing) soon. Smile

Speaking of motivation, I’ve been a little down in the dumps lately, even with all of the positive things beginning to happen right now.  I’m almost 100% certain is has to do with my coming birthday on Sunday.  When I turned 33 last year I truly believed that the coming year was going to have wonderful things in store for me.  I had plans for what I was going to do with myself (fitness competition, graduating from IIN with a full client list, possibly getting engaged, etc.)  While I did graduate from IIN most of the other things in my bucket list just didn’t happen.  Granted, there was an unexpected hurricane which took away our home, but the closer I’m getting to marking another year the more depressed I get knowing that I didn’t reach my goals.  I’m going into my 34th year with a very negative attitude which needs to change!  NOW!

I need to stop looking in my rearview mirror and start looking toward the present and future.  No should’ve, could’ve, would’ve is going to change anything that happened over the past year.  It’s time to take a look at what prevented me from reaching my goals over this past year so that I don’t make the same mistakes again and then move forward.  Only I am in control of today and my future.

On that note, I must make some things happen over at my desk.  I’ll also be making things happen at kickboxing tonight, but that’s 3 hours from now.  Work first and play later. Winking smile

Have a great day!

~Kim

Hi Guys!

Another day flying by over here.  Work has been completely nutzo ever since I returned from our vacation a few weeks ago.  I feel like….Vacation? What vacation?  Disappointed smile My tan has faded and life has resumed as usual, but good memories were made as well as a new friend. Smile  I can only imagine how stressed I might be right now had I not gone on vacation.  At least I got a lil sunshine before coming back to NY and getting sick…twice.

So, I mentioned in Saturday’s post that I reached out for help with my eating.  For someone like me who has had issues with weight/eating their entire life, giving up control to someone else is extremely scary.  Where has trying to always be in control honestly gotten me though, right?  It seems that I continue in the same vicious cycle and never seem to break free.

In the past I’ve questioned people’s methods and always found reasons why their plan wasn’t going to work for me.  It wasn’t that it wouldn’t work; rather, it all boiled down to me having to give up control over what and the way that I was eating and not wanting to relinquish that control 100%.  I realize that I’m never going to get better that way.  So, although there is a hint of fear in increasing my calories on a constant basis, I’m EXTREMELY excited to see where this takes me hopefully off of this merry-go-round I’ve been on for over 2 decades.  This isn’t a fitness competitor program.  This is just me trying to reach my optimal health in a balanced way so I can be finally be happy and not allow food to control my life anymore.  I’m crossing my fingers that this is the time that everything clicks for me!

Only a few more hours here at the office and then I’ll hurry on to my new found love, KICKBOXING!  I haven’t been to class in over a week, due to being sick.  I can’t wait to get back in their and knock the bag around.  Before my vacation and then getting sick I could tell that I had gotten stronger and my endurance had drastically improved.  Let’s hope that I haven’t lost much in the time that I’ve been out from class.  Aside from getting a great workout, class provides me with an hour that’s completely mine.  I can take my frustrations out on the bag, work to better my conditioning, take it a little easier some days if I’m not feeling 100%, but also get the push in motivation by being in a class with 14 or so other people.  It’s great!  Seriously, when you find an activity that you enjoy it makes a huge difference!

 

I best be off to do that thing called work.  I hope your week is going well!

~Kim

Hi Friends!

Just a short Saturday post before our day really gets started.  I’m feeling MUCH better today.  There’s a slight pain in my lower stomach and a little headache (most likely from dehydration), but I’m happy that I can at least walk around today without getting light headed.  It’s a good thing that my health turned around for the better because there is SO MUCH that has to be done around this place.  It was difficult for me to sit around yesterday knowing that Rob was running around like a crazy person trying to get things done.  I tried to go up into that attic at one point to check on something and was scolded like a child.  I definitely have my mother’s genes.  I don’t know how to rest.  Anyone else have that problem?

Currently, Rob’s father and brother are here helping him out with some electrical work and other odds and ends that need to be completed.

Dad F

MFRob

I have no clue how to do any of that stuff, so in between running around as a gopher I’m writing our “To Do” list while sipping on a Starbucks Venti Awake Tea (and writing to you, of course). 

To Do

The tea was surely needed after what my body has been through over the past few days.  I craved it this morning!  There were so many things that I wanted to drink while I was sick, but all I could ever take in was a small sip, at most.  Hopefully, I’m done with sickness for the remainder of the year.  Rob and I were both sick two weeks ago with more of an upper respiratory cold, but this stomach bug really wiped us out! Sad smile

My real skills will come into action this afternoon when we go shopping for the house. Bed, Bath & Beyond HERE WE COME! Yay!!  The “To Buy” list is even longer than our “To Do” list, if you can imagine that!

I’m looking forward to a few months from now when things are “normal” and we don’t have random people walking around our house, piles of wood scattered all over the place, plastic over our couches, sawdust that gathers over my freshly washed counters and appliances no matter how many times I wipe them down…ERRRRR!!!, and a complete set of furniture to fill our house. 

wood

For now though, I’m treasuring that we are back home.  All of these little things will eventually fall into place.  I’m grateful that the hardest part of this journey is behind us and that we made it through such a traumatic experience as a strong and united couple.  It’s easy to be happy and make things work when life is good, but you see people’s true colors when times get bad.  I refused to leave Rob’s side, even when he tried to push me to move back to CT with my mom.  That would have been the easy way out.  When you’re a couple you stick it through in good times AND bad.

Ok, I’m being summoned again and must run.  Have a wonderful weekend!

~Kim

Hey There!

It’s been a while, huh?  I wasn’t sure if I’d even remember how to sign into my account to blog. Winking smile

I’ve been home sick the past two days.  Rob caught a nasty stomach bug and lovingly passed it on to me.  I can normally tolerate pain pretty well, but yesterday I was literally moaning in bed and could barely pick my cell phone up to catch up on my favorite blogs or browse through the Twitter-sphere. The most I could do was lay on the blow-up mattress that we’ve been sleeping on and every so often look up to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County marathon that was playing in the background.   I’m definitely not 100% today, but I’m better than yesterday.  At least I was able to get up and take a shower today and not feel like a total slob.

While I’m not home for the best of reasons, I figured I would turn the time off into a positive and blog since I haven’t been able to in what seems like forever.  So much has happened since I last posted!

I’ll start with the best news.  Last Sunday night we slept at HOME for the first time in four months, since Hurricane Sandy!  I can’t even put into words what a wonderful feeling that was.  It felt VICTORIOUS!  I wanted to shout “F-U Sandy!”  We still have a lot to do, but we’re “almost there”. 

HappyBed

KitchenDining Room

Living Room

I promise I’ll do a full post about Hurricane Sandy in the future.  For now, I’m cherishing being back home.  I can’t wait to cook our first real dinner on the new stove.  So far, only soup and an omelet have been made, since one or both of us have been sick since moving back in.

Wednesday night I took my fourth and final IIN exam.  Something told me to take the exam that night.  Originally I was planning to do it yesterday and that would not have been fun, being sick and all.  Anyway, I passed!  As of today I’m a IIN Grad and a health counselor.  Yay!  I can’t wait to take this certification and do something with it.  The little wheels in my brain are turning.  It’s going to take some time, but I WILL make it happen!

You know, part of what I learned in my IIN courses is that we can’t let taking care of others get in the way of also taking the time to take care of ourselves.  We have to know when to reach out for support.  I’ve always been very open on the blog about my issues with disordered eating.  I still struggle, even though the issues seem to come in waves and aren’t constant.  The entire situation with Sandy threw me for a loop.  I didn’t deal well.  I kept all of my anxiety and frustration bottled up, except for a few explosions I had in front of Rob (poor guy), which resulted in my disordered eating to rear its nasty head.  Now that we are back home I’m able to focus more on myself.  The other day I knew it was time for me to do something about it.  So, I reached for support and am excited to start working on my issues as of this Monday with a trained professional.  It’s going to take work, but I’m ready for it.  I’m not going to allow this to control my life any longer!

Another thing I learned throughout my studies is that we must push past our fears

BS

Being a shy person, I tend to hold myself back a lot.  I don’t like doing new things on my own.  I’ll come up with a million excuses not to do something that I really want to do, all because of fear.  One of the things on my bucket list was to try kickboxing.  I tried persuading my sister and a few friends, but I could tell that no one was going to pull through for me.  Either I was going to do it alone or not do it at all.  I signed up online randomly one Thursday for an introductory 3 pack of sessions and I haven’t looked back since.  Pushing myself in that moment was one of the best things I could have done for myself.  I walked out of that first class so proud of myself and honestly smile every time I go to class, knowing how hard it was for me on that first day and how this is now part of my new norm.

photo

I LOVE going to class, having that hour of me-time all to myself, and getting a good sweat on in the process.

Workout Fun

I feel my body getting stronger just from going 2-3 times per week.  I also think that for someone like me who bottles everything up, punching and kicking a bag as hard as I want is good for me.  It allows me to get some of my built up frustrations out.  My boss told me not to get too good. LOL.  I don’t know what he’s afraid of. Winking smile

Ok, it’s time for me to lay down again.  This bug is really kicking my toosh!  Have a wonderful weekend and be ready for regular blog posting starting in the coming week.

~Kim

Hi Guys!

Well, I’m breaking out of my comfort zone and going to a kickboxing class tonight….ALONE. Can I just say that I’m SCARED? Sure am! I’m doing it though and not going to let anything get in my way. It’s time for some changes! 

comfort-zone

I tried to get a friend to come with me tonight, but she was unable to commit and my sister won’t be able to join me until Saturday.  The old Kim would have set the challenge aside and waited until someone could go to class with her, but I really want to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.  I’m tired of not reaching my goals because of fears that hold me back!  So, I bought a small package of sessions, just to see if I’d actually like it, and made an appointment with the instructor tonight before class. They have a short meeting with every new member, which I think is great.  I know I’m not the only Nervous Nelly walking through their doors for the first time. 😉

nervous1

This isn’t like hot yoga, where I went alone but was pretty much able to hide and keep to myself in the back corner of the room.  There is no escaping being seen here.  What scares me the most is making a mistake and looking silly in front of people.  It’s fears like this that have held me back in life.  No more! 

I can’t expect the magic to happen if I don’t step outside of my comfort zone, right?

comfort-zone-magic

Once I’m comfortable with myself in class people better look out!  Something about me that most people don’t know is that I’m COMPETITIVE. People sometimes wonder where this shy little thing came from when I put my determination full force.  They say it’s the quiet ones, right?  Gotta keep people on their toes, folks.  Haha.  😉

I figured I would make my appointment for tonight so that I couldn’t chicken out.  The longer I let things sit the more likely they will fade to the back of my mind or I come up with excuses as to why I can’t do X, Y or Z.  I spoke with the front desk person mid-morning and told her that I’ll be there 20 minutes before class tonight. I’ll give my sister a full report and if all goes well I’ll have a Saturday morning kickboxing buddy!  Yay!!  I think it would be a fun routine to start with each other. I foresee many breakfasts at the diner after our sweat sessions in the near future.  🙂

If I don’t write again by Friday, be worried.  Keep your fingers crossed that I survive.  I can use all the help I can get!

What’s something you’ve recently done to push yourself out of your comfort zone?

~Kim

Finding Purpose

Hey Guys!

Mixed emotions have made for a very confused Kim lately.  Poor Rob never knows when tears might be sprung upon him and Saturday morning just happened to be one of those days.  I tend to think a lot without expressing my feelings.  Then, one day, when I can’t take the thoughts anymore I let it all out like an erupting volcano.

Volcano

(Source)

This time the tears were feelings about not having a purpose in life.

purpose

(Source)

I feel like I’m on the road to finding what I’m meant to do, yet I’m just not there yet. The hurricane totally interrupted certain plans that I had for myself. I feel like I can’t truly focus on my goals because life is topsy-turvy right now. I HATE doing anything half-assed. I guess I can be an all or nothing type of person.

When the tears started to flow I mentioned giving up the blog.  I have all of these grand ideas of what this blog can be, but I haven’t had the time to dedicate to it and make it that visualization yet.  I don’t know what I was originally thinking.  I barely have time to read my favorite blogs, never mind writing my own and making it something special. 

It’s that perfectionist tendency that continues to get in my way.  Rob pointed out that this isn’t my job, nor is my wanting to have a body like a fitness model.  These are just things that I strive to do in my life and maybe my goals aren’t realistic.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things a certain way, but don’t give myself credit for what I actually do well.  I always seem to focus on what could be better.  I know I’m not the only one that does this to themselves.  We really have to learn to treat ourselves the way we’d treat others and give ourselves some slack.

Our living situation doesn’t allow me to do my beloved baking or get creative with meals and that contributes to me not being able to make this blog what I envision it to one day be.  That doesn’t mean I have to stop and wait until that day when we finally get to move back home.  I’m going to do what I can for the time being and keep those grand ideas for the near future. 🙂

As for feelings of not having a purpose in life, that’s going to take some work.  Aside from Rob, family and a few friends my life is feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I think that’s part of the reason I keep going back to wanting to compete in a fitness show.  It gives me a goal to work toward, even though it might not be the healthiest thing for someone with disordered eating to strive for.  Rob and my family have spoken up that they don’t agree with this goal for myself.  I swing back and forth between what to do.  I see and understand their point of view.  They just want me to be healthy and happy.  That’s what I want for myself, as well.

I think that instead of striving for body perfection, I need to stay focused on what will fulfill me as a person. 

find purpose

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I don’t have many friends out here in Long Island, but haven’t really put myself out there to meet new people. If Rob goes out with friends or is away on a business trip I’m just left alone.  Being alone can be nice at times.  In fact, I sometimes welcome it; however, sometimes you want to hang out with a friend, do girly things, go to a movie, or try a restaurant or activity that Rob would never try.  If my mom and siblings were closer I’d totally have a crew of people to choose from. There are A LOT of us!!  I’m painfully shy, so making friends has always been difficult for me. I find it even tougher at this stage of my life, as most people already have their set of friends and life is busy with raising a family and work.

Side note: I’ve always been a bit insecure with myself.  For many years, when I was younger and in school, I was teased for my appearance.  I was basically the brown-haired version of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. ;)

I did have a better prom dress though. Give me some credit. 😉

(Source)

That’s what started the drive in me for body perfection.  I thought that if I lost the weight got contacts, took the braces off and straightened my hair everything would fall into place. We all know the reality of that though, right? In fact, after I lost the weight my sophomore year of high school girls were sometimes even meaner to me.  Some people who had been my friend when I was heavier dropped me.  I was so confused.  At the time, I thought something was wrong with ME.  Looking back, I know it was the insecurities that they had within themselves that caused them to be that way.  I was (and still do) look to myself for the issue when the issue isn’t always with me.  ~End of Side Note

However, if I start doing activities that I’m interested in (yoga, baking classes, ceramics/crafts, etc) I’ll at least be around other people who have similar interests and might even make a friend or two.  I just have to take that step!

There’s more to life than working out, going to work, paying bills, cleaning & putting pressure on yourself to be a certain way.  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight about what life is truly about. For years, my focus has been on getting my body to a certain point so that I could move forward in life and be happy.  I realize how backward that thinking is and how much I’ve been missing out on, as a result.  Maybe, just maybe, if I live my life to the fullest and don’t worry about what others think of me, my body will end up right where it’s meant to be without much effort.

If I truly think about it, that’s the obvious way I SHOULD be living my life!  

  • Instead of waiting to buy new clothes until I lose “X” amount of weight, I should be buying them now in order to feel better about myself.
  • Instead of sitting alone on nights when Rob is away (b/c I’m ashamed of my appearance), leaving me prone to binge eating behaviors, I should be out with friends or enjoying an activity.
  • Instead of worrying about a meal out with friends/family/Rob and ending up with a boring salad and later bingeing on random stuff in the house, I should enjoy what I want in the moment (in moderation, of course) without guilt.

When I look at it I can see the constant cycle which leads me to my bad behaviors and then more shame, taking me further away from the way life is meant to be lived.

Cycle

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Now that I’m conscious of the cycle it’s time to make some changes!

  • My hot yoga classes are purchased. I’ve been to one class so far, but hope to get into a routine so that I see the same faces weekly and maybe make some friends out of it.  It’s a win-win, right?
  • I’m looking into other classes in the area that I might enjoy (baking, cooking, crafts, photography, dance, etc) & actually signing up for them instead of just talking about it.
  • I’m looking for a therapist to help me in my journey to feeling better about myself.
  • Do nice things for myself to help with my self-esteem: new clothes, mani/pedi, consistent hair cuts, etc.
  • I’ll go to the gym for my health and well-being, NOT to look like a competitor.  I also have to be OK with that decision and move on with actually LIVING my life!
  • This blog will remain! I’ll post when and what I can for now and when we FINALLY (please let it be soon, dear lord!) move back home I can continue with my vision.

For now, the purpose of the remainder of my day is to finish all of the projects I should be working on for work, instead of getting these thoughts off my mind. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim

Hey Guys!

We’ve made it to the Wednesday hump and this week is already seeming to be very long! I guess that can be attributed to the fact that it’s the first full week back at work since before Christmas. Once I get back into the swing of full weeks again it won’t be a problem, but for now it feels like torture.
I’m trying to stay in the positive in 2013. The negative only drags you down, right?  So, I keep reminding myself how Monday felt like a second Christmas.  Christmas in January!  I may or may not have purchased a few fitness inspired items for myself.  Merry Christmas to me! 😉

Let’s check these boxes out!!
Box #1:

Perfect Fit
After trying Perfect Fit protein for the first time a few weeks ago, I fell in love. It’s the perfect addition to my morning bowl of oat bran and my last meal of the day (which I try to keep as just a protein & fat meal).

Protein Oats

Needless to say, I use it pretty much Every.Single.Day!  I still have to write a review and try it out in some recipes for you guys.

Originally, I thought it was going to be a one-time purchase, but seeing that I do use it so often it was time for me to buy some more. This time, a free hot pink shaker cup was included. Cute! I can’t wait to use it!

Box #2:

Genetix HD
If you’re like me, you love reading Kelly Olexa’s blog. Even better is watching her vlogs while getting some cardio in. Nothing like using time efficiently, right?  😉

Many times during her vlog you’ll see her drinking her GNC GenetixHD Pro-Sculpt in the Blue Raspberry flavor. After doing some research I wanted to try it for myself and ended up with the GNC GenetixHD bundle.  It is pretty expensive, so I found an online coupon for GNC and happily made my purchase. I always love a good discount! Rob always says that “sale” and “puppies” are my two favorite words. I don’t know about “favorite” words, but they’re definitely up there.  

This bundle is a 30 day supply, which will take me up to my trip in February.  Normally, I don’t take any supplements other than protein powder and my vitamins.  I’ll do a full review after the 30 days are up.

Along with the GenetixHD, I bought a container of About Time protein powder that I’ve had my eyes on for some time.

About Time

I tried it once in my evening snack (Which is: protein powder mixed with an egg white and nuked. Then, smeared with some peanut butter). All I can say is “YUCK!” I’m going to give it a second chance in a morning shake and see if that changes my opinion. Hey, that was all the more reason to buy my Perfect Fit protein, right?

Box #3:

Polar Box
I’ve always wanted a heart rate monitor, but for whatever reason (most likely financial) I never got to purchasing one. On New Years Day I felt it was finally time for me to get one, but I had no clue what to get. If you follow me on twitter you’d have seen my request for recommendations and eventually this conversation.

Liz Convo
Thank you Liz Brody!
I couldn’t wait to get my hands on my new Polar FT40! While Rob was on a business trip last night that’s exactly what I did. I’m looking forward to putting it to good use for the first time in my workout tomorrow morning.

Polar HR Monitor
Now that all of the unwrapping is complete, I’m back to the grind. However, someone just might have been browsing through the Apple store online last night and purchased this:

Incase Sports Armband Deluxe for My iPhone 4s

Let’s just say there might be some more unwrapping to do on Friday. 😉

Have a great day!

~Kim